Forever Jaded…

I’m drained. I remember the things that I have always disliked about church recently…it doesn’t matter where I go, the feeling is still there after it’s no longer new.  And it will always be there.  It’s not just something I see/feel about church, but most everywhere.

I don’t fit in.  Plain and simple.

While yes, I’ve made some friends, by and large,  I just don’t fit in.  I only have that feeling of fitting in in one place…and church is not it. I don’t know if church will ever be it.

I think this feeling is the biggest reason why I’m just so hesitant to take on any role/responsibility there.  Taking on responsibility and a leadership role comes easily and naturally to me..in the right situation.

So, I try to force the community, I try to force my fitting in…and as such, it just leaves me completely drained and dreading every Sunday.  I don’t think it’s supposed to be like this.  I end up trying to introvert…which is just not like me at all.  But I hate being in a group and really feeling like most of these people just don’t get me and never really will.

I rarely remember my dreams.  I know I dream, because everyone does during a specific state of sleep.  However, I just usually do not remember them. Upon the rare occasion that I do, I realize they are bizarre dreams. They are dreams that actually make me contemplate if there is a message/meaning behind them. For example:

A couple of months ago, I woke up in the middle of a dream where I was out to dinner with a friend or something…and then witnessed another friend’s kid and his buddy steal a car. I went to try to stop him and succeeded in getting him stopped while he and his buddy were in the car.  I got the car disabled, and walked somewhere to grab my phone…came back and my friend’s kid had been stabbed. I called 911, explained the situation but had a 911 operator who was not understanding.  I then got my jump bag out of my truck and started to try to stop the bleeding until help could arrive.  In the dream, 20 minutes went by without help arriving and I call 911 again…and finally end up screaming at the guy to just get someone there NOW…trying to explain that I’m a medic, and this kid is circling the drain, etc.  It was then that I woke up…and I’m assuming because of the rush of adrenaline.

Last night though, I had two separate dreams that woke me up.  First: I was in a very urban area (probably NYC)..and was walking a few blocks to my vehicle. I had my purse and my netbook…and walked into a park area where I saw 6 teens/young adults.  They started moving into “place” upon my arrival…flanking me on all sides…I suddenly realized I was in trouble and started trying to contemplate my options and likelihood of success with each (submission, screaming and making noise while trying to run away/fighting back, etc).  I woke up just as one was about to punch me. Of course, this kicked off the adrenaline again.  It’s REALLY weird to wake up due to an adrenaline rush.

Second: I was visiting a friend who had a place on the coast somewhere. I don’t know what friend (as I’d most DEFINITELY go visit them after seeing this place).   He was showing me his patio, and why it was one of his favorite places in the house.  It was beautiful and was flanked on 2 sides by the rocky coast and the tides crashing against the rocks.  We stepped out onto the rocks and into the water and suddenly I saw quite a few sea turtles swimming around…when suddenly I was about to be attacked by one.  Again I was considering my options on how to get out of this situation…and then I woke up.

I’m a bit freaked out that I had two dreams in one night where *I* was being attacked either by people or an animal…and in some ways was kind of surrounded by that which was attacking me.

I don’t usually place any stock in dreams…in their meaning, or that there could be a message.  But now I’m honestly wondering about these 3.  Is God potentially trying to tell/show me something in these dreams? At the very least in the last two?

I hate November. It has been a rough month for the last several years now. This year is without exception.
While I know I’m not alone, it’s a time when a sense of loneliness just looms all around me.
It’s the end of fall and winter approach, the darkness that sets in so very early. It’s anniversaries of crappy memories, trials and tribulations. A time when my thoughts are consumed by so much. The only time of year where I tend to introvert.
So much on the mind, yet nothing I can truly put into words. Or nothing that I’m willing to put into words anyway.

The memories of past failures haunt me. Especially this time of year. It is in the quiet moments that my mind lingers and recalls moments and conversations and regret. Memories that are as vivid as if they occurred yesterday.
Sometimes I really despise those quiet moments for just this reason.
5 years ago, my life, my dreams, and my desires fell apart entirely. The next year unsettled me in ways that words can’t even begin to describe.
But at least now, there is no anger, just a complete void of understanding. Though, I think even that’s changing with time and distance.

It is difficult for me to avoid the what if game and wondering what could have been as my job is making my life beyond miserable. It’s a reminder of being in a career/field that I just do not enjoy in any way. I know that some would say I lack contentment and I’d ask any sane person to work 140 hrs in a week and then you might understand. And that wasn’t optional (if I didn’t meet the ridiculous deadline, I’d have cost the company hundreds of thousands of dollars and likely lost my job).

If you looked at my Pandora home screen and the radio stations I’ve created…well, your head might explode.  I have what people expect of me, I have the Dream Theater station…and the angry station (3 Days Grace), etc.  But I also have a Hillsong United station.  And I listen to that station as I go to sleep usually.  There isn’t much on there really grabs me by the throat and demands my attention. I really like Hillsong’s stuff, and the other I usually just kind of go “meh” and sometimes skip it.  One song without a doubt grabbed me instantly and demanded attention: “Beautiful the Blood” by Fee.  Here are the lyrics:

Never knew death could be so sweet
Never knew surrender could feel so free
Never seen such meekness in majesty
That the blood of Jesus was bled for me

And now I sing freedom for all of my days
It’s only by the power of the cross I’m raised
The King of Glory rescued me

How beautiful the blood flows
How merciful the love shows
The King of glory poured out
Victorious are we now

Never knew through these nails would love unfold
And never knew these wounds would heal my soul
I’ve never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
The blood of Jesus was bled for me

And now I sing freedom for all my days
It’s only by the power of the cross I’m raised
The King of Glory rescued me

Now I’ll sing freedom for all my days
It’s only by the power of the cross I’m raised
The King of Glory rescued me

How beautiful you are
How merciful you are
How glorious you are
Christ the Savior

How beautiful you are
How merciful you are
How glorious you are
Christ the Savior

It isn’t often a song makes me just want to fall on my knees and worship instantly…but, this does. It speaks volumes to even me. It’s beautiful, sobering, powerful.  If you don’t believe me, go listen. now. Stop what you are doing, and go. Seriously.

My mind is with a friend…who is…just hurting.

And I’m lost. I don’t know what to do for this person at all.

I see how trapped this person is, and all I can do is offer friendship. I see the pain, the anger, the vicious downward spiral/self feeding cycle, the paranoia.

As we talked, I offered a few things, but unfortunately they were things that I think have become so cliche that the truth of them were lost in the cliche. (And, um, yeah, I hate cliches, or offering them.)

I can try to push and poke and prod, and hope that I don’t get shut out further. But let’s face it, I suck at walking around on eggshells. I also don’t deal well with some things when I can’t relate. And I can’t relate to the paranoia.

I’ve asked a friend in Ohio for a list of counseling resources…as I think my friend will remain entirely trapped without some outside help. But insecurity, paranoia, as well as pride is a difficult combination that creates a self feeding and vicious cycle.

I found myself questioning whether how much of this could be issues they just haven’t dealt with, or how much was spiritual. Particularly when there were comments about thoughts that seemed to be in the 2nd person. I also questioned if there was anything in the past to have caused any of this…to which I got “…I honestly don’t know” Ugh.

(I silently noted the irony of me being in such an entirely different place from say a year ago…that I even would attempt to provide some “Godly advice”.)

The most painful part of the night was being poised with “So, what do I do?” Sometimes it was presented as an honest and serious question…other times…a more sarcastic question. And each time, I had no answer. Nor did I pretend to have an answer.

(In many ways, I am reminded of sitting in a friend’s office 5 years ago while my own world was collapsing and remembering the anger I felt. And I felt even more appreciative of the time with that friend even if it seemed like it was for nothing.)

I know that anger…and while it’s different causes, it’s still the same.

In some ways, I think this will cause a questioning and testing of faith in a way never done previously. But I see the drift from God already.

Btw, B? Thanks. Those times of coffee, talking in your office, and the effort…were never a waste of your time. I guess it just took 4-5 years for any of it to have an impact. I’m certain I haven’t thanked you enough for your friendship.

Caught Life Church’s sermon tonight about “5 Easy Steps to Wreck Your Life.”  This week is about “How to Drift From God.”

The steps:

1. Neglect your time with God.
2. If you don’t like your circumstances, blame God.
3. Hang around bad influences.
4. Give  into temptation.
5. Love this world more than you love God.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

1 – I’m REALLY bad about consistent time with God.  Or…just…really…any time.  I don’t mean to, but…I mostly just forget.

2 – I still do blame God for some of the crap in my life…mostly because I wouldn’t have taken those steps had I not been following Him at the time.  However, I’m not bitter about it as I once was…because I wouldn’t have many of the great friendships I have here now had I never moved here.  And I no longer regret following Him here.

3 – Bad influences…wow.  I’m trying to work on that…I’m surrounded though almost entirely by bad influences.  I’m trying diligently to build up good relationships and influences…but that’s slow.  And unfortunately, while there are quite a few more of the good influences…they are still very superficial relationships for the most part.  Admittedly some of the superficiality is on me and my slowness to open myself up to people.

4 – Hmm. Temptation.  I’m weird with that…in that I decide very quickly whether I will or will not do something..the “temptation” phase of thought entering head -> decision is extremely short.

5 – I don’t know that I can honestly know the answer to this myself.  I hope I love God more, but I do know that my life does not show that really.  I’m not sure many people can answer that honestly.

Yep. Still have a rough time with 9/11.  The word indelible comes to mind to describe the memories.  In some ways, I am glad I can’t forget.   I never want to take for granted what I have.  I’m glad  I can’t forget the sacrifices other make, or are willing to make in defense of life and freedom.

I stayed home from work as usual.  And left the tv off….I really wanted as much silence as possible.   Instead of staying home at night, I went with some friends to an Irish pub as a friend of theirs was playing and having his CD release party tonight.  I was okay. Until he then started talking about 9/11, and why he chose tonight to have his CD release party, and played a song specifically related to that, and the Katrina disaster.   I definitely was tearing up on the inside…and it was all I could do to hold it in.

The night went on, and I was okay mostly.  Just very melancholy.

So, since it’s a beautiful night. I’m sitting on my patio, raising a glass to first all of those that perished 8 years ago.  And raising a second glass to the bravest and finest that ran in without a second thought while everyone was running out.

Yes, I know. I’m sure no one is shocked to hear any of this from me.

Ever have a day where it just seems like you are surrounded by….darkness?  That pretty well describes this entire weekend for the most part.  Not sure how else to describe it.

Not sure if it was the lack of sleep last night that compounded that feeling…or just not being able to quiet my mind because of all of the things going through it.  Or it could be the fear that as much as things appear to change, they really just stay the same.

But just…surrounded by darkness.  My apartment seems dark even when the same lights I use all the time are on.  It’s magnified when I turn out the lights and attempt to fall asleep…so much so that I’m tuning into every noise I hear.  My senses just seem on edge.  But that could just be compensation for having a lot on my mind.

I know that sounds COMPLETELY ridiculous, but I’m tired.

Stop Acting Like A Christian and Be One – Week 1

I just watched the most recent message posted at Life Church…and….wow.   just. wow.  I get a lot out of Craig Groeschel’s preaching normally but this message is just incredible.  It’s a message by Christine Caine of Hillsong in Australia.

I am challenged.