Forever Jaded…

The memories of past failures haunt me. Especially this time of year. It is in the quiet moments that my mind lingers and recalls moments and conversations and regret. Memories that are as vivid as if they occurred yesterday.
Sometimes I really despise those quiet moments for just this reason.
5 years ago, my life, my dreams, and my desires fell apart entirely. The next year unsettled me in ways that words can’t even begin to describe.
But at least now, there is no anger, just a complete void of understanding. Though, I think even that’s changing with time and distance.

It is difficult for me to avoid the what if game and wondering what could have been as my job is making my life beyond miserable. It’s a reminder of being in a career/field that I just do not enjoy in any way. I know that some would say I lack contentment and I’d ask any sane person to work 140 hrs in a week and then you might understand. And that wasn’t optional (if I didn’t meet the ridiculous deadline, I’d have cost the company hundreds of thousands of dollars and likely lost my job).

If you looked at my Pandora home screen and the radio stations I’ve created…well, your head might explode.  I have what people expect of me, I have the Dream Theater station…and the angry station (3 Days Grace), etc.  But I also have a Hillsong United station.  And I listen to that station as I go to sleep usually.  There isn’t much on there really grabs me by the throat and demands my attention. I really like Hillsong’s stuff, and the other I usually just kind of go “meh” and sometimes skip it.  One song without a doubt grabbed me instantly and demanded attention: “Beautiful the Blood” by Fee.  Here are the lyrics:

Never knew death could be so sweet
Never knew surrender could feel so free
Never seen such meekness in majesty
That the blood of Jesus was bled for me

And now I sing freedom for all of my days
It’s only by the power of the cross I’m raised
The King of Glory rescued me

How beautiful the blood flows
How merciful the love shows
The King of glory poured out
Victorious are we now

Never knew through these nails would love unfold
And never knew these wounds would heal my soul
I’ve never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
The blood of Jesus was bled for me

And now I sing freedom for all my days
It’s only by the power of the cross I’m raised
The King of Glory rescued me

Now I’ll sing freedom for all my days
It’s only by the power of the cross I’m raised
The King of Glory rescued me

How beautiful you are
How merciful you are
How glorious you are
Christ the Savior

How beautiful you are
How merciful you are
How glorious you are
Christ the Savior

It isn’t often a song makes me just want to fall on my knees and worship instantly…but, this does. It speaks volumes to even me. It’s beautiful, sobering, powerful.  If you don’t believe me, go listen. now. Stop what you are doing, and go. Seriously.

My mind is with a friend…who is…just hurting.

And I’m lost. I don’t know what to do for this person at all.

I see how trapped this person is, and all I can do is offer friendship. I see the pain, the anger, the vicious downward spiral/self feeding cycle, the paranoia.

As we talked, I offered a few things, but unfortunately they were things that I think have become so cliche that the truth of them were lost in the cliche. (And, um, yeah, I hate cliches, or offering them.)

I can try to push and poke and prod, and hope that I don’t get shut out further. But let’s face it, I suck at walking around on eggshells. I also don’t deal well with some things when I can’t relate. And I can’t relate to the paranoia.

I’ve asked a friend in Ohio for a list of counseling resources…as I think my friend will remain entirely trapped without some outside help. But insecurity, paranoia, as well as pride is a difficult combination that creates a self feeding and vicious cycle.

I found myself questioning whether how much of this could be issues they just haven’t dealt with, or how much was spiritual. Particularly when there were comments about thoughts that seemed to be in the 2nd person. I also questioned if there was anything in the past to have caused any of this…to which I got “…I honestly don’t know” Ugh.

(I silently noted the irony of me being in such an entirely different place from say a year ago…that I even would attempt to provide some “Godly advice”.)

The most painful part of the night was being poised with “So, what do I do?” Sometimes it was presented as an honest and serious question…other times…a more sarcastic question. And each time, I had no answer. Nor did I pretend to have an answer.

(In many ways, I am reminded of sitting in a friend’s office 5 years ago while my own world was collapsing and remembering the anger I felt. And I felt even more appreciative of the time with that friend even if it seemed like it was for nothing.)

I know that anger…and while it’s different causes, it’s still the same.

In some ways, I think this will cause a questioning and testing of faith in a way never done previously. But I see the drift from God already.

Btw, B? Thanks. Those times of coffee, talking in your office, and the effort…were never a waste of your time. I guess it just took 4-5 years for any of it to have an impact. I’m certain I haven’t thanked you enough for your friendship.

Caught Life Church’s sermon tonight about “5 Easy Steps to Wreck Your Life.”  This week is about “How to Drift From God.”

The steps:

1. Neglect your time with God.
2. If you don’t like your circumstances, blame God.
3. Hang around bad influences.
4. Give  into temptation.
5. Love this world more than you love God.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

1 – I’m REALLY bad about consistent time with God.  Or…just…really…any time.  I don’t mean to, but…I mostly just forget.

2 – I still do blame God for some of the crap in my life…mostly because I wouldn’t have taken those steps had I not been following Him at the time.  However, I’m not bitter about it as I once was…because I wouldn’t have many of the great friendships I have here now had I never moved here.  And I no longer regret following Him here.

3 – Bad influences…wow.  I’m trying to work on that…I’m surrounded though almost entirely by bad influences.  I’m trying diligently to build up good relationships and influences…but that’s slow.  And unfortunately, while there are quite a few more of the good influences…they are still very superficial relationships for the most part.  Admittedly some of the superficiality is on me and my slowness to open myself up to people.

4 – Hmm. Temptation.  I’m weird with that…in that I decide very quickly whether I will or will not do something..the “temptation” phase of thought entering head -> decision is extremely short.

5 – I don’t know that I can honestly know the answer to this myself.  I hope I love God more, but I do know that my life does not show that really.  I’m not sure many people can answer that honestly.

Yep. Still have a rough time with 9/11.  The word indelible comes to mind to describe the memories.  In some ways, I am glad I can’t forget.   I never want to take for granted what I have.  I’m glad  I can’t forget the sacrifices other make, or are willing to make in defense of life and freedom.

I stayed home from work as usual.  And left the tv off….I really wanted as much silence as possible.   Instead of staying home at night, I went with some friends to an Irish pub as a friend of theirs was playing and having his CD release party tonight.  I was okay. Until he then started talking about 9/11, and why he chose tonight to have his CD release party, and played a song specifically related to that, and the Katrina disaster.   I definitely was tearing up on the inside…and it was all I could do to hold it in.

The night went on, and I was okay mostly.  Just very melancholy.

So, since it’s a beautiful night. I’m sitting on my patio, raising a glass to first all of those that perished 8 years ago.  And raising a second glass to the bravest and finest that ran in without a second thought while everyone was running out.

Yes, I know. I’m sure no one is shocked to hear any of this from me.

Ever have a day where it just seems like you are surrounded by….darkness?  That pretty well describes this entire weekend for the most part.  Not sure how else to describe it.

Not sure if it was the lack of sleep last night that compounded that feeling…or just not being able to quiet my mind because of all of the things going through it.  Or it could be the fear that as much as things appear to change, they really just stay the same.

But just…surrounded by darkness.  My apartment seems dark even when the same lights I use all the time are on.  It’s magnified when I turn out the lights and attempt to fall asleep…so much so that I’m tuning into every noise I hear.  My senses just seem on edge.  But that could just be compensation for having a lot on my mind.

I know that sounds COMPLETELY ridiculous, but I’m tired.

Stop Acting Like A Christian and Be One – Week 1

I just watched the most recent message posted at Life Church…and….wow.   just. wow.  I get a lot out of Craig Groeschel’s preaching normally but this message is just incredible.  It’s a message by Christine Caine of Hillsong in Australia.

I am challenged.

I’ve spent several weeks now wondering if I was really at the church I should be.   I’ve checked out another church periodically and really liked it as much as the other.

So, I’ve been praying about it.  And praying about it.  And praying about it.  While I don’t have anything that has been drawn for me to clearly say “<foo> is the one you should be attending”,  I do think I now know.

Both churches have their merits in certain areas over the other.  Due to the potential audience of this, I’m not going to get into any of that…especially since it just doesn’t really matter. (No church is perfect, and most churches have their merits)

But, right now, I feel like I should be valuing the relational aspect above anything else…and it’s been clear last month where that will be strongest for me.  So, I’m staying for now with the small church that I’ve been attending for almost a year now.

I recently went to a memorial service for the mother of a good friend of mine.  She died after a long battle with breast cancer.

She was a Christian….so, I already had a feeling of what the memorial service would be like…and I was almost dead on.  (Actually, the Gospel was presented pointedly, but was a bit lighter than I expected)

It actually was a beautiful service and really made me wish I had known his mother.  It’s the first memorial service I’ve gone go where I had that thought.  There was a passage of scripture read, then a message of hope was given.  Just after that, her granddaughter got up and read Proverbs 31 and gave a testament to how her grandmother fit that entirely.  Then, we all sang a praise song…and 4 of the granddaughters did a dance to “I can only imagine”…it was really beautiful.  There was quite a bit stirring within me…so glad I have the assurance of where I will be, but also sadness and concern at thinking about the paths my friends are on.   I sang the song…and actually found myself wanting to raise my hands to praise God during it.  I don’t think any of my friends were singing whatsoever.

After the service, we headed back to the house with the family for refreshments (okay, they said refreshments, but it REALLY was an impressive feast).  After staying for a while, we took our friend and went to a vineyard nearby.

While we sat there drinking wine…he very suddenly asked each of us for our opinion of the service.  He also then expressed how the part with the granddaughter was incredible…but the message of hope portion had pissed him off.  He confesses to be a Christian; however, he has some very new age beliefs…and I think he thought the message was narrow minded.  He said that he was so upset over the guy talking about the “proof of the resurrection” and I sat there not having a clue as to what to say.  I look at him and I see someone so lost…who everyone thinks is just beginning to find his way.  I see someone just getting further and further lost as he delves into “energy work”, “intuitiveness”, and other new age/occultic things.

I managed to explain that it was entirely what I expected it to be given that she was a Christian…but with the bitterness I saw…I wasn’t sure what else I could say.

There were other points where there were things I felt I should have said, but just couldn’t find the voice to do so.  The fact that I had these thoughts is something I hadn’t realized in a long time.  So, baby steps    But, there was somehow a discussion regarding the old testament and how “violent” it was…and more on why we didn’t need to follow certain things from the OT anymore.  I had the thought of trying to explain how much of the OT was a message of salvation, particularly during things like Passover, etc.  It really all gave the same message.

There was further discussion on Jews who believe in Jesus and who they believe He is.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t get much in on this discussion

But all of this really comes down to.  If I believe my friends are on the paths they are on, why do I not do more in hopes of their courses changing?

God answered my prayers in big ways.  I don’t know how or when, but I suddenly realized that my faith was growing massively.  Faith in prayer is no longer an issue.

It’s been a rough, but really good couple of months.  I’ve been spending quite a bit of this time reading the bible, augmenting it with various books, and watching video podcasts of Mark Driscoll and Craig Groeschel.   Mostly though, I’ve spent the time trying to remember and relearn who Christ is.  There definitely were aspects of His life I just didn’t get.  I had fallen into the trap of not thinking about his humanness.  Things like He laughed, He cried, He felt anxiety, He was tempted…basically everything we go through on a regular basis.  I knew all of this, but I suppose I essentially dismissed it for the most part.  Dismissed it with his Divinity.  Unfortunately, when focusing too much on his Divinity…you miss so much about who He was when He walked this Earth in human form.  No, He didn’t sin, but He DID have the same emotions and struggles that many of us have today.

I’m not sure I’ve ever truly appreciated Jesus being human or understood exactly what it meant.   This made the idea that Jesus “struggled” or “Jesus understands” much harder to accept.  I took for granted the rejection He’d have felt while being crucified…that even his best friends denied Him.

I get it now…well, more than I ever have before any way.