The memories of past failures haunt me. Especially this time of year. It is in the quiet moments that my mind lingers and recalls moments and conversations and regret. Memories that are as vivid as if they occurred yesterday.
Sometimes I really despise those quiet moments for just this reason.
5 years ago, my life, my dreams, and my desires fell apart entirely. The next year unsettled me in ways that words can’t even begin to describe.
But at least now, there is no anger, just a complete void of understanding. Though, I think even that’s changing with time and distance.
It is difficult for me to avoid the what if game and wondering what could have been as my job is making my life beyond miserable. It’s a reminder of being in a career/field that I just do not enjoy in any way. I know that some would say I lack contentment and I’d ask any sane person to work 140 hrs in a week and then you might understand. And that wasn’t optional (if I didn’t meet the ridiculous deadline, I’d have cost the company hundreds of thousands of dollars and likely lost my job).
