Forever Jaded…

The memories of past failures haunt me. Especially this time of year. It is in the quiet moments that my mind lingers and recalls moments and conversations and regret. Memories that are as vivid as if they occurred yesterday.
Sometimes I really despise those quiet moments for just this reason.
5 years ago, my life, my dreams, and my desires fell apart entirely. The next year unsettled me in ways that words can’t even begin to describe.
But at least now, there is no anger, just a complete void of understanding. Though, I think even that’s changing with time and distance.

It is difficult for me to avoid the what if game and wondering what could have been as my job is making my life beyond miserable. It’s a reminder of being in a career/field that I just do not enjoy in any way. I know that some would say I lack contentment and I’d ask any sane person to work 140 hrs in a week and then you might understand. And that wasn’t optional (if I didn’t meet the ridiculous deadline, I’d have cost the company hundreds of thousands of dollars and likely lost my job).

If you looked at my Pandora home screen and the radio stations I’ve created…well, your head might explode.  I have what people expect of me, I have the Dream Theater station…and the angry station (3 Days Grace), etc.  But I also have a Hillsong United station.  And I listen to that station as I go to sleep usually.  There isn’t much on there really grabs me by the throat and demands my attention. I really like Hillsong’s stuff, and the other I usually just kind of go “meh” and sometimes skip it.  One song without a doubt grabbed me instantly and demanded attention: “Beautiful the Blood” by Fee.  Here are the lyrics:

Never knew death could be so sweet
Never knew surrender could feel so free
Never seen such meekness in majesty
That the blood of Jesus was bled for me

And now I sing freedom for all of my days
It’s only by the power of the cross I’m raised
The King of Glory rescued me

How beautiful the blood flows
How merciful the love shows
The King of glory poured out
Victorious are we now

Never knew through these nails would love unfold
And never knew these wounds would heal my soul
I’ve never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
The blood of Jesus was bled for me

And now I sing freedom for all my days
It’s only by the power of the cross I’m raised
The King of Glory rescued me

Now I’ll sing freedom for all my days
It’s only by the power of the cross I’m raised
The King of Glory rescued me

How beautiful you are
How merciful you are
How glorious you are
Christ the Savior

How beautiful you are
How merciful you are
How glorious you are
Christ the Savior

It isn’t often a song makes me just want to fall on my knees and worship instantly…but, this does. It speaks volumes to even me. It’s beautiful, sobering, powerful.  If you don’t believe me, go listen. now. Stop what you are doing, and go. Seriously.