Forever Jaded…

My mind is with a friend…who is…just hurting.

And I’m lost. I don’t know what to do for this person at all.

I see how trapped this person is, and all I can do is offer friendship. I see the pain, the anger, the vicious downward spiral/self feeding cycle, the paranoia.

As we talked, I offered a few things, but unfortunately they were things that I think have become so cliche that the truth of them were lost in the cliche. (And, um, yeah, I hate cliches, or offering them.)

I can try to push and poke and prod, and hope that I don’t get shut out further. But let’s face it, I suck at walking around on eggshells. I also don’t deal well with some things when I can’t relate. And I can’t relate to the paranoia.

I’ve asked a friend in Ohio for a list of counseling resources…as I think my friend will remain entirely trapped without some outside help. But insecurity, paranoia, as well as pride is a difficult combination that creates a self feeding and vicious cycle.

I found myself questioning whether how much of this could be issues they just haven’t dealt with, or how much was spiritual. Particularly when there were comments about thoughts that seemed to be in the 2nd person. I also questioned if there was anything in the past to have caused any of this…to which I got “…I honestly don’t know” Ugh.

(I silently noted the irony of me being in such an entirely different place from say a year ago…that I even would attempt to provide some “Godly advice”.)

The most painful part of the night was being poised with “So, what do I do?” Sometimes it was presented as an honest and serious question…other times…a more sarcastic question. And each time, I had no answer. Nor did I pretend to have an answer.

(In many ways, I am reminded of sitting in a friend’s office 5 years ago while my own world was collapsing and remembering the anger I felt. And I felt even more appreciative of the time with that friend even if it seemed like it was for nothing.)

I know that anger…and while it’s different causes, it’s still the same.

In some ways, I think this will cause a questioning and testing of faith in a way never done previously. But I see the drift from God already.

Btw, B? Thanks. Those times of coffee, talking in your office, and the effort…were never a waste of your time. I guess it just took 4-5 years for any of it to have an impact. I’m certain I haven’t thanked you enough for your friendship.

Caught Life Church’s sermon tonight about “5 Easy Steps to Wreck Your Life.”  This week is about “How to Drift From God.”

The steps:

1. Neglect your time with God.
2. If you don’t like your circumstances, blame God.
3. Hang around bad influences.
4. Give  into temptation.
5. Love this world more than you love God.

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

1 – I’m REALLY bad about consistent time with God.  Or…just…really…any time.  I don’t mean to, but…I mostly just forget.

2 – I still do blame God for some of the crap in my life…mostly because I wouldn’t have taken those steps had I not been following Him at the time.  However, I’m not bitter about it as I once was…because I wouldn’t have many of the great friendships I have here now had I never moved here.  And I no longer regret following Him here.

3 – Bad influences…wow.  I’m trying to work on that…I’m surrounded though almost entirely by bad influences.  I’m trying diligently to build up good relationships and influences…but that’s slow.  And unfortunately, while there are quite a few more of the good influences…they are still very superficial relationships for the most part.  Admittedly some of the superficiality is on me and my slowness to open myself up to people.

4 – Hmm. Temptation.  I’m weird with that…in that I decide very quickly whether I will or will not do something..the “temptation” phase of thought entering head -> decision is extremely short.

5 – I don’t know that I can honestly know the answer to this myself.  I hope I love God more, but I do know that my life does not show that really.  I’m not sure many people can answer that honestly.

Yep. Still have a rough time with 9/11.  The word indelible comes to mind to describe the memories.  In some ways, I am glad I can’t forget.   I never want to take for granted what I have.  I’m glad  I can’t forget the sacrifices other make, or are willing to make in defense of life and freedom.

I stayed home from work as usual.  And left the tv off….I really wanted as much silence as possible.   Instead of staying home at night, I went with some friends to an Irish pub as a friend of theirs was playing and having his CD release party tonight.  I was okay. Until he then started talking about 9/11, and why he chose tonight to have his CD release party, and played a song specifically related to that, and the Katrina disaster.   I definitely was tearing up on the inside…and it was all I could do to hold it in.

The night went on, and I was okay mostly.  Just very melancholy.

So, since it’s a beautiful night. I’m sitting on my patio, raising a glass to first all of those that perished 8 years ago.  And raising a second glass to the bravest and finest that ran in without a second thought while everyone was running out.

Yes, I know. I’m sure no one is shocked to hear any of this from me.

Ever have a day where it just seems like you are surrounded by….darkness?  That pretty well describes this entire weekend for the most part.  Not sure how else to describe it.

Not sure if it was the lack of sleep last night that compounded that feeling…or just not being able to quiet my mind because of all of the things going through it.  Or it could be the fear that as much as things appear to change, they really just stay the same.

But just…surrounded by darkness.  My apartment seems dark even when the same lights I use all the time are on.  It’s magnified when I turn out the lights and attempt to fall asleep…so much so that I’m tuning into every noise I hear.  My senses just seem on edge.  But that could just be compensation for having a lot on my mind.

I know that sounds COMPLETELY ridiculous, but I’m tired.

Stop Acting Like A Christian and Be One – Week 1

I just watched the most recent message posted at Life Church…and….wow.   just. wow.  I get a lot out of Craig Groeschel’s preaching normally but this message is just incredible.  It’s a message by Christine Caine of Hillsong in Australia.

I am challenged.