Yes, I’ve been rather silent on here. Mostly because I haven’t felt like putting to “paper” things within my head yet. I’ve just wanted to keep it in my head. That and honestly, March was really a blur due to the demands of my job. The only weekend in March that I didn’t work was the weekend I moved.
Moving. Wow, I have to say that I learned quite a bit from my friends that helped me move that weekend. Quite a bit about “community” and what it should be. I felt bad I was not as prepared as I wanted to be, but they took it all in stride. What amazed me most, was how genuinely grateful they were for me for picking up the bill at a pizza shop…it’s the least I could do! I still feel like it wasn’t enough!
Spiritually…ugh. Well…yeah, I’m going through the motions, but there’s still not really anything there. I actually had dinner with a friend who said that he’d seen growth…and I was shocked. Truth be told, there just isn’t any. There’s just a whole lot of…silence. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely believe in Jesus, and His being Lord/Savior/sent to die on the cross for our sins, etc…but…there’s a lot of stuff that I just don’t buy into with respect to Christianity anymore. And no matter how much I try to reset my brain to convince myself that I do, I can’t.
I don’t believe in Satan, I have a hard time believing Jesus’ miracles. I don’t buy into spiritual warfare. And I’m still a bit of a relativist…even after listening to a series by Craig Groeschel regarding relativism and subjectivism. The series was very well done, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. But, I still find it a bit egotistical to think that my “religion” is the absolute Truth. I do obviously believe that absolute truths do exist…I just have to look at science for that. But when it comes to the less scientific, I find myself still a relativist (but still believing in Christianity for myself) with respect to “what’s true for me, may not be true for anyone else”.
There’s also still an agnostic side to me. God is still an intangible to me, in some ways like the wind. I can not see it, or touch it, or grasp on, but I can see the effects.
Prayer. This has been something in my mind for a while. I still hate asking for prayer, especially since I’m not convinced it does anything really. I usually am at a very desperate point if I’m asking for prayer on my own. I do think there is a psychological benefit to prayer, but I am not convinced it does anything beyond that. I’m not convinced I’m not doing anything more than talking to the air or my dog when I try to pray.
I would never look down upon anyone for asking for prayer, as I do think there is a benefit to it…but not the same way that others think. I’ve mostly just accepted the awkward moments when people go around the room asking for a prayer request from each person. If they pull one up for me that they feel the need to pray for…that’s fine.
I’ve been trying to read various things, and listen to various things to try to get back to that Christian that I once was…but I still lack the faith to do so. I’ve tried to do things in “obedience” but I can already see the legalistic side (that whole, just do what you’re supposed to do, and the feelings will follow train!) that turns me off instantly and makes any of this a “chore”.
I also keep hearing the idea of “repentance” being a complete change, a regeneration, yadda yadda. Well, that didn’t happen with me this time…so, I now wonder about that sincerity.
