I really despise where my life ended up in many ways.
I HATE being in IT. My father tried to push me into the computer field when I was in high school…I took a year and a half of computer programming and HATED IT. There was never any question in my mind that *I* did not want to go that direction. It sucks. I’m sitting here at the office at 9:30 at night after just having gone and smoked because if I didn’t step away from the monitors one was going to go through a window. I’ve tried REALLY hard for 12 years to like it. And what the FUCK do I have to show for it? Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing.
Every time I see the blue lights flashing…I wonder how my life ended up so incredibly fucked up and wondering if I should take a chance again.
But I did that once…and while I don’t regret it….I really don’t have it within me to do again.
So that leaves me relegated to working in the field I’m in now. I find irony in that I’m DAMNED good at what I do (considering how much I hate it)…and every time I’m given unrealistic expectations…I find ways short of killing myself to meet them.
Why? So I can hopefully get a position within IT that I can TOLERATE finally. I’m so fucking close to one, it’s not even funny…
Work has always been first in my life…and always will be…as an ESTJ, that’s just how I’m wired. I don’t know how NOT to put it first in fact. I’m deadline driven in this field…and I am HELLBENT on meeting those deadlines. I don’t miss deadlines. Period. End of story. No matter the cost. Right now, part of that cost is me smoking…as well as me contemplating what to do about my FD involvement as I feel so guilty for how far behind I am with certain things. I haven’t even been on a unit since just before Christmas. (probably one of the reasons I’m in bitch mode lately)
What brought this on? The fact that I just came back in from having a cigarette in the ass cold…and seeing a couple of cop cars with their blue lights on.
It doesn’t matter that I have certain luxuries in my job…things like working from home, going in whenever the fuck I feel like, wearing jeans to work, etc…when you just absolutely hate what you do. Those things occasionally make things almost tolerable.
