I recently agreed to helping out with sound. Why does this put a knot in my stomach? I always loved running sound…and I’d like to think at one time, I was decent at it.
I still am not convinced that I won’t use it to hide. I’m really good at hiding. I don’t even realize that I’m doing it until I’ve begun doing it for quite a while (and usually by then, it’s at the point where I am walking away).
Sadly, looking back over other sound people I’ve worked with at churches throughout the years…I’m definitely not alone in having done this. I’m not sure what to make of that. And it’s been irrespective of size. Most of the other sound people I’ve worked with even at a church…well, we’ve smoked, we’ve cursed, we’ve come in still drunk or hungover. I don’t think that part was ever hidden though as we seemed to take pride in being a bit rebellious. I wish I could count on one hand the number of sermons where I couldn’t tell you a word of what was said even though I was focused on everything coming from the mic…but I’m pretty sure not even using fingers AND toes would cover it.
I really don’t think I’m in a place where I should be. I am still way screwed up. I’m still on the edge in a lot of ways. (Every day is a struggle to not hang out with a specific set of friends as I know what path it will lead me down). I’m on the verge of smoking again because I’m massively stressed out for a myriad of reasons. And I just don’t think I’m that much different than I was 6 months ago really.
