Forever Jaded…

On top of the rest of my really crappy week…S texted me today because he just had to tell me about something that had happened in his life.

Being that I still care about him and couldn’t tell it if it leaned toward good or bad…I responded.  And it was something really awesome for his life and something for which he’s worked long and hard.  Of course, the texts went back and forth a few more times…including how tempted he’s been to just show up at my door with flowers.

And I basically again had to point out that we can’t be in contact at all with the current situation.

I’m ecstatic about what he had to share with me…and he deserves it.

But I don’t need this right now.

The demands upon me with respect to my job for the next couple of months are pretty extreme.  This means I’m at a point of being stressed out that I’m trying to offload anything and everything I can in my life.

I’m pushing back on my boss massively, but there’s an audit and all of the work I’m doing is necessary for the audit…so, I don’t have much room try to renegotiate anything…and he has even less resources than he did previously.  We’ve managed to rearrange a couple of things too…but it really just evens out the high level of stress through April.  At least it’ll be a constant.

So, something’s gotta give.  And that usually means everything else in my life…

My FD stuff is already suffering, administratively as well as operationally.  I haven’t ridden since before Christmas…and I am probably at least a month behind on the training stuff I need to be doing.   I’ve lost count of the emails I need to write for this as well.

My apartment is a mess…and I’m moving in 2 weeks.  And I feel so bad for the hours I work and being away from my pup soooo much.  Thankfully, she really is great and handles it very well.  Occasionally the question pops up about if I should give her up to someone who has more time, but then I realize how happy she is with me and that she is definitely my girl.

I have to work this Saturday night from 10pm until 6am…and then I’m supposed to  go run sound at church.  That will put me on a 4 week rotation at church for doing that…which will coincide with another Saturday night that I’ll be working yet again.

holy crap.  I’m moving in 2 weeks.

I really despise where my life ended up in many ways.

I HATE being in IT.  My father tried to push me into the computer field when I was in high school…I took a year and a half of computer programming and HATED IT.  There was never any question in my mind that *I* did not want to go that direction.  It sucks.  I’m sitting here at the office at 9:30 at night after just having gone and smoked because if I didn’t step away from the monitors one was going to go through a window.  I’ve tried REALLY hard for 12 years to like it.  And what the FUCK do I have to show for it? Nothing.  Absofuckinglutely nothing.

Every time I see the blue lights flashing…I wonder how my life ended up so incredibly fucked up and wondering if I should take a chance again.

But I did that once…and while I don’t regret it….I really don’t have it within me to do again.

So that leaves me relegated to working in the field I’m in now.  I find irony in that I’m DAMNED good at what I do (considering how much I hate it)…and every time I’m given unrealistic expectations…I find ways short of killing myself to meet them.

Why?  So I can hopefully get a position within IT that I can TOLERATE finally.  I’m so fucking close to one, it’s not even funny…

Work has always been first in my life…and always will be…as an ESTJ, that’s just how I’m wired.    I don’t know how NOT to put it first in fact.  I’m deadline driven in this field…and I am HELLBENT on meeting those deadlines.  I don’t miss deadlines.  Period. End of story.  No matter the cost.  Right now, part of that cost is me smoking…as well as me contemplating what to do about my FD involvement as I feel so guilty for how far behind I am with certain things.  I haven’t even been on a unit since just before Christmas.  (probably one of the reasons I’m in bitch mode lately)

What brought this on? The fact that I just came back in from having a cigarette in the ass cold…and seeing a couple of cop cars with their blue lights on.

It doesn’t matter that I have certain luxuries in my job…things like working from home, going in whenever the fuck I feel like, wearing jeans to work, etc…when you just absolutely hate what you do.  Those things occasionally make things almost tolerable.

I still find the skeptic inside of me…alive and kicking.  As is my ego and pride.

I’ve begun reading Vintage Jesus with the hopes of being able to renew within my own mind who Jesus really was/is.  As I read, I find certain things that the skeptic within me screams about.  And I’m only about 35 pages in to the book, so this could be very interesting.

My church has started a couple of new outreaches…I think one is a great idea, but the other I’m very conflicted about.

First, they are sending out postcards to our “neighbors” letting them know the church is praying for them, and to give them a place where they can submit anonymously any prayer requests online.  I think this is a fantastic idea…and is not intrusive.  This is letting them know the church is out there…and providing a way to connect.

The next one is that some of them are going door to door ala Mormon style just knocking on people’s doors and chatting with them…this is the one I’m extremely conflicted about.  On the one hand, I absolutely applaud the faith required to do this… I sure as hell don’t have it.  On the other, I think about how I’d receive it if someone were knocking on my door..and the answer is that I wouldn’t handle it very well (that’s just the nice way of putting it).

I am extremely rude INTENTIONALLY to the JWs or Mormon’s that come knocking…as I want them to pass word around their people to never come back to that door.  And it works.  I have it happen _once_ and I never see them again.  And it’s not just a religious thing…as I’m very abrupt and rude to any other random solicitation.

It’s my home.  IF I am actually home, I’m likely  trying to veg if I’m not working.  Either way, it’s always an unwelcome intrusion into my day.

I’m hesitant to even actually post this, as I know a couple of people from the church read this…and I don’t want to discourage them with my own conflicts regarding this.

At the same time…I’m reading a book called “Vintage Jesus” and it’s mostly about how Jesus was a lot more “in your face” and “intrusive” than most people make Him out to be.

I forced myself to come up with a prayer request during small group…with the idea that maybe it’d be a step towards putting down my pride.

And now, I entirely regret that I asked for it….and I’m trying to figure out why.  I asked for prayer for my knee as it’s been acting up and I’m going through the fun process of trying to be “approved” to see the orthopaedic surgeon again.  A week later…when it came time to ask for prayer requests…someone asked how the knee was…and I just shrugged and essentially said it’s fine.  They asked if it was healed and I said no…and well, I think I was almost asked if I believed if God could heal it or not.  There are other reasons that I’m not happy about the idea of having it repeatedly brought up week after week…but I don’t feel like going into that.

And…I’m not sure I do.  And if He could, I’m not sure He would…(and why would He?)

So, it’s made me question what I think/believe about “miracles” and…well, it’s clear that my scientific mind has a very hard time with this concept.

I can accept most if not all of the “miracles” of Moses…and do consider them miracles even though they can be explained by science.  For example, the whole parting the Red Sea has been scientifically explained.  I still consider it a miracle though due to the timing aspect.  I don’t believe it to be a mere coincidence or lucky break that the wind came just at the appropriate time.

The “miracle” of Joshua and Jericho…has also been scientifically explained.  But again, I consider this a miracle as how would Joshua have gotten the idea to march around the walled city in step/formation as a way to bring down the walls on his own.

But that brings me to the miracles of Jesus…where not all (okay, not sure if any really) have been explained scientifically.   So, I have a really hard time with those.

I think many things are miraculous though…I think that the world of medicine and how far we’ve come in really just a short time…is a miracle.  I think the body itself is a miracle…just how it all works together is amazing to me.

So, I guess I’m more likely to pray that God would guide a doctor’s hand or give a doctor wisdom to diagnose and treat, then for God to pray for healing.  So the idea that “God would heal my knee” when I haven’t seen a doctor or anything is just…silly to me.

This past week at small group, we got into Romans 8…which deals a lot with that whole predestination vs free will theory/theology.

And..while the pastor got into a long discussion regarding this…I sat there rather apathetic towards it.

The truth is…I really just don’t care which is “true.”

To me, it isn’t something that’s going to change what I believe.  Also, it isn’t going to change how I act, what I say to a person, etc.  It is not something that has ever changed my attempts at sharing my faith, or “witnessing” to people.

I fail to see how it’s really important in the end.  One way, the onus is on us to believe….the other, the onus is on God to have selected us.  So, it’s probably better to go with the idea that the onus is on us instead of risking if we are one of the elected or not.  Though, I do have to think, if predestination is true, then wow, that could be quite the kick in the teeth.

It’s funny, 6 months ago…if this discussion was happening around me…I’m fairly certain I’d throw something back about not being ‘predestined’ by God.

Also, if predestination is true, then I fail to see how we have assurance of salvation.

Personally, I think this is really one of those concepts regarding a timeless, ever-present, all-knowing God that we may never understand.

But hey, maybe I am not predestined and that’s why I continually struggle with the entire concept of faith.

Mostly, I just don’t really care which is the “correct” theory.

I recently agreed to helping out with sound.  Why does this put a knot in my stomach?  I always loved running sound…and I’d like to think at one time, I was decent at it.

I still am not convinced that I won’t use it to hide.  I’m really good at hiding.  I don’t even realize that I’m doing it until I’ve begun doing it for quite a while (and usually by then, it’s at the point where I am walking away).  

Sadly, looking back over other sound people I’ve worked with at churches throughout the years…I’m definitely not alone in having done this.  I’m not sure what to make of that.  And it’s been irrespective of size.  Most of the other sound people I’ve worked with even at a church…well, we’ve smoked, we’ve cursed, we’ve come in still drunk or hungover. I don’t think that part was ever hidden though as we seemed to take pride in being a bit rebellious.  I wish I could count on one hand the number of sermons where I couldn’t tell you a word of what was said even though I was focused on everything coming from the mic…but I’m pretty sure not even using fingers AND toes would cover it.

I really don’t think I’m in a place where I should be.  I am still way screwed up.  I’m still on the edge in a lot of ways.  (Every day is a struggle to not hang out with a specific set of friends as I know what path it will lead me down).   I’m on the verge of smoking again because I’m massively stressed out for a myriad of reasons.  And I just don’t think I’m that much different than I was 6 months ago really.

I really like the church I’ve been  going to since the end of September…

They are very caring, compassionate…it’s a very tightknit community.  And it amazes me quite a bit.  I am incredibly grateful for some new friendships as a result of the community as well.

So, why the hell does it scare the fuck out of me to be part of it? Or commit myself to being part of it?  Why is there still this reaction inside of me at the idea of someone there holding me accountable that makes my stomach turn?

Why am I so fucking independent that the idea of community just completely boggles my mind entirely?

I started trying to challenge myself to actually come up with a prayer request during small group when the leader goes around and asks each person…I did…and I entirely regretted it as he prayed about it.  I showed weakness.  I would rather spend months trying to deny that I’m having issues with my knee again than admit to a weakness. UGH .  This church has already seen more weakness from me than any of my coworkers or FD brethren have ever seen.