Forever Jaded…

My own misconstrued perception of reality of a situation may have provided the kick in the ass I needed.  There was a significant fear that my own thoughtless actions could have contributed to a situation…and while it wasn’t, I think it was a bit of  a wakeup call to really change some things.

First, and foremost…as much as I think this is going to just outright suck for me…I’m backing off from hanging out with a specific set of friends.   My holding on to these friendships is showing me that I don’t trust God to provide for my every need…Also, I question what doors are being opened in the spiritual side that I don’t realize by hanging out with these people as they get further and further into Tarot, Shamanism, Holistic Healing, etc.   I’m seriously dreading the nights sitting on my ass watching tv though.

Second, pride.  UGH.  I have this almost built in instinct of never showing weakness…never making myself vulnerable, it’s not just a trust thing, it’s also a pride thing.   I really need to be better about asking for help when I need it.  This pride was the source of a hospital trip last summer…that resulted in me swallowing my pride even MORE to ask my fire chief for a ride home from the ER.  Yeah, car rides that start out with “Hi DUMBASS…” are always fun.

Third, drunkenness.   While I have “prided” myself on never having done anything I wouldn’t have done sober…this still doesn’t make it okay.  This and the first one…will likely match up as far as successes/failures, as usually the only time I’m drunk is with that specific group of friends.

Also, I just spent some time (no, not much, but 20-25 minutes is a lot for me) lying face down on my bed…praying. But this was different.  The only thing in there about *myself* was my seeking forgiveness for the above, as well as not being obedient to the Holy Spirit when I was being prodded to step up to get baptized tonight.  The rest, was not a single request for my life, or what’s going on with me…it was about others around me…others more recently in my life. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like God was listening to my prayer.  (This section wasn’t to “boast”, it was because it’s been a while since I’ve felt that)

Huh.  How about that.

My focus hasn’t been on God since shortly after breaking up with S.  Instead of looking to Him during my pain, I just looked at the pain and dealt with it that way.  I think that’s probably the biggest part of my struggle right now, getting my focus back on Him.

So, I’ve also been on a couple of random dates here and there just for the idea of trying to get over S, and move on with my life.

I’m not going to do this anymore…in fact, I think I’m going to take a complete hiatus from dating.  It’s a needless distraction right now.

I really need a swift kick in the ass now to get it all together…and I actually fear how God may do that.

So, I just wordled this blog. I’m not sure what to make of the “result”…

My behavior today and this weekend displayed a life completely absent of God.  I was no different than my friends who call themselves Christians and yet are learning about shamanic medicine, giving Tarot readings, and exploring their “intuitive” sides (read: psychic).  I’ve just barely been able to “admit” to just a couple of them that I even go to church now.  Sadly, due to how outspoken I was about being “anti-religious”, it’s really hard to admit to them that I was entirely wrong and that I do believe.

I’m torn between trying to figure out how to be a “light” to them and thinking that I need to stop hanging out with them right now.

Last night, I got a text message from a friend at almost midnight asking if I was up and wanted to come over to enjoy some wine with him.  Mind you, this friend lives quite literally across the street from me.  We can practically talk to each other from our balconies.  Well, being that I was feeling rather drained after having sat at home ALL day long that day, as well as being home Friday night…I said yes.  I also knew that he’s been going through some rough spots and wondered if he just needed a friend to hang out with.

So, I went over and we shared a bottle cabernet franc.  About 2am, another friend of ours asked if we were still up and if we were hungry…so, he came and picked us up and we all went to IHOP.  We got back and finished off a second bottle of wine…and I got home about 5:30am.

I then got up a mere 3-4 hrs later and went to…church.  I woke up and felt groggy, but figured it was just the 3ish hours of sleep and grabbed some Starbucks on the way.  But, in retrospect, I am pretty sure I still had a small amount of alcohol in my system.  I probably would have blown a 0.04 if given a breathalyzer then.  Keep in mind that the rule of thumb for how much time before it’s out of your bloodstream is to allow an hour per drink after you’ve stopped drinking.  Don’t mistake me…I was entirely safe to drive, it was more the whole “going to church” with it in my system that kind of bothers me.

Unfortunately, I’m sure some people may now think I have a problem with alcohol.  I don’t.  That isn’t denial, as anytime I am driving, if I have anything at all, it’s NEVER more than 2 drinks…and I usually hang out for an hour or two after that before driving.  Because of my “role playing” for the cops, I know quite well what’s acceptable for me.  There are also plenty of other times that everyone else is drinking, and I don’t touch it.   About the only time I’ve allowed myself to drink more heavily is when I know I’m not driving at all.

My kryptonite though is that social part.  Sitting at home with no social contact for more than a day leaves me so incredibly drained.

(On a  related yet more amusing note…my jacket now smells like marijuana, but it’s from sage.  Apparently burning sage and waving the smoke around is supposed to get rid of negative energy.  Considering my “abhorrence” to drugs, this is actually irritating me that I might smell like a stoner.)

I know I’m serving two masters…one of them, I don’t know how to serve…and the other, I don’t know when I’m serving.  The latter master has a name though, and it is pride.

As such, I still feel a bit like a slave to my former self.  That older person has not been put to death completely.  And I don’t know how to do that.

There’s a parable in Luke 8 that really speaks clearly to me:

5 “A sower went out to sow his seed. As he was sowing, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds of the sky ate it up. 6 Other seed fell on the rock; when it sprang up, it withered, since it lacked moisture. 7 Other seed fell among thorns; the thorns sprang up with it and choked it. 8 Still other seed fell on good ground; when it sprang up, it produced a crop: 100 times [what was sown].”  As He said this, He called out, “Anyone who has ears to hear should listen!”

Yes, the seeds have been planted, but I feel like I’m somewhere between the rock withering or among the thorns being choked.

So, baptism and membership are both coming up soon at my church…

Yes, I was sprinkled as a baby…and I’m not sure what I believe on that.  I have quite a bit of reservation for some reason regarding doing this again now.  Some of it is…is this something that I’m just doing every time I come back to God to make a profession of faith?  Another of it is…is I question if the baby baptism is really for naught?  But I also question if I’m really committed enough to take that step.  Let’s face it, my track record isn’t the greatest as far as walking with God goes, and my faith is still pretty weak right now.  There’s also a heritage question that I need to consider.  It’s not something that has really stood out/screamed to me as an “MUST GET DUNKED!” type of thing.  But then again, it’s not something I’ve looked at theologically to see what I believe about the sprinkle vs dunk.

Membership, well, I have many of the same questions/considerations as above for that as well.

I am still struggling massively.  I question how much I’ve changed since repenting almost 2 months ago now.  I’m repeatedly reminded of repentance being a basically 180 degree change in direction in life essentially.  Have I really made that big turn around in my life? Have I really changed at all?

I have one circle of friends that I’ve struggled with how much I should hang out with them…

The problem is…far too often, I end up hanging out with them…and all we do is drink.   I’d say that the majority (if not all) of the times I’ve been drunk* in the last 2 years, has involved being out with them.   Don’t get me wrong, I’ve yet to do anything that I’ve regretted while drunk (as in, anything I’ve done drunk, I’d have done sober).   And I don’t get hangovers….ever.  It’s also not a 1:1 ratio on hanging out with them and getting drunk.  It’s just that it’s extraordinarily rare for any of their social functions to NOT involve alcohol.  This is one of the reasons I’ve struggled to find what place they can have in my life.

But as an ESTJ, they fill a HUGE need in my life.  I’m an extremely extraverted and social person.  I thrive on being around people and interacting with them.  Staying home two nights in a row makes me almost stir crazy.   It’s part of why I have such an insanely busy schedule and manage it reasonably well.

I tried not hanging out with them for a while, and just noticed myself going crazy lacking the social contact as it hasn’t been filled with another group at all.

So, I’ve accepted their “faults” and the “limits” to the friendship and are back to hanging out with them so that I can fill my social needs.  But in some aspects I almost feel like it’s a compromise.

* Note: There are different degrees of drunk.  Some people can be legally drunk and not show any signs of impairment; however, some people can have 1-2 drinks and be well under the “legally drunk” level but show significant signs of impairment.  I’m referring to legally drunk above.

Lately, I’ve been contemplating quite a bit…trying to achieve balance in my life.  Also trying to decide what place certains things have in my life, and if I’m in the right place for those….

Ever been in a group and just feel claustrophobic?  It’s not anxiety or an anxiety attack…it’s just more of a control thing for me.   I don’t do well in groups where I am not the one controlling what people know about me, or who of the group specifically knows.  It’s not even a gossip thing, it’s just that when groups are so tight that they are virtually incestuous….that tends to push me away.

I am always surprised in these groups at having told one person something….and then suddenly finding out during a conversation with someone else that they’ve known since I basically told person A.

This doesn’t even happen in the FD to the extreme I’ve seen…and they are worse than a bunch of little old ladies with their gossip usually.

So, I REALLY suck at dealing with those that don’t fall into societal norms.

I am anything BUT comfortable around them, and it isn’t even in the “I have so much they have so little” type of uncomfortable…it’s that my instincts kick in and my guard goes up.  It’s that I sense the instability, and it unnerves me immensely.

I spend a lot of energy “watching” anyone that kicks off this sense within me anytime I am around them.  It’s not anything malicious…in fact it’s entirely involuntary.  It’s instinct and intuition that kicks off strongly.

You can still tell how comfortable or uncomfortable I am around someone by my stance…and if I’m watching their hands.

I feel like I have multiple personalities.  There are 4 different personalities within me it seems.  And each one comes out usually based upon the environment.

There is the person I am at work: the “expert.”  Also, the “engineer.”

There is the person I am at the firehouse: the “leader.”

There is the person I am around one set of friends: the “responsible” one.  (I usually end up drunksitting for these friends and making sure they don’t do something stupid)

There is now the person I am around my new church friends.  Only I’m not yet sure how this one would be labelled.  It used to be labelled the “agnostic”…or probably the “hurting”.  Now though, not sure how it would be.  I know how I have already been changed, and know how I continue to change…but not sure how outward it is, or even how outward I’ve let it.

Why? Because I do wonder if the changes that have begun within me are noticeable.

Each personality has its strengths and flaws.  At work, I’m fairly no nonsense, and not the most tolerant…and I need to remember more about grace.  I’m still a bit egotistical there, though it’s hard not to be there.  At the firehouse, I’m a stickler for the rules and tend to be very legalistic about adhering to requirements.  I’m very no non-sense there as well when it comes to our newer members.  Around the one set of friends, I’m held as the ever-responsible one…never drinking myself to the point where *I* need to the drunksitter.  I’m also the one that doesn’t really let them close.  Around the new friends from church, I think I’ve become more open and letting people in…and I’ve tried really hard to put down the walls that were so clearly there around these people.   I’m still amazed at their friendship though, but not in the untrusting way.

It’s this last person that I’m becoming that I really want to bleed over into the other 3 personalities.