Forever Jaded…

I’m not sure whether I’m being obedient or just masochistic with the email I sent him tonight.

He desperately wants to remain friends and be in contact…and a long time ago, we had promised each other that no matter what happened, we would always be in each other’s lives.  Well, I can’t.  Even friendship is just so incredibly painful as a reminder and makes me hope for the circumstances to change.

The circumstances may be changing, but it has to be without my influence…

So, I emailed him tonight basically letting him know how friendship between us just isn’t possible.  I expect a phone call in response to this, but other than that…he’s gone from my life entirely.

I had hoped given some time, my heart would heal enough that we could…but that isn’t going to happen.

He blames himself for moving here…he wonders if this would have happened had he stayed in KC.  I tried to explain that it just brought things to the surface that have been brewing, so, this would have happened eventually.

I’m trying like hell to move on…just not finding any success yet.

What do you do when the heart wants what it wants?  What do you do when your heart wants one thing, and God is saying “not now” on it.  How do you deal with that?

There were so many things I could have done 5 years to have prevented this situation, why the fuck did I not do them?  Why the hell was I so scared to go with what my heart wanted then?

If I had listened to my heart 5 years ago, he nor I would be in this situation.

I find so much irony in that I blame not listening to my heart years ago with being in this situation…and yet, I’m trying to desperately not listen to my heart now.

“Keep changing your mind.
Like clouds in the sky.
Love me when your high.
Leave me when you cry.
I know it all takes time.
Like a river running dry when the suns to bright.

So long this is good-bye.
Maybe we’ll meet again in another life.
Like strangers passing by.
Maybe we’ll see clearly in a different light.

Keep dodging lights.
Like a thief in the night.
The sun will rise and expose all the lies.
So why deny that you and I lead different lives.
The rivers from your eye’s can’t change my mind.

So long this is good-bye.
Maybe we’ll meet again in another life.
Like strangers passing by.
Maybe we’ll see clearly in a different light.

Ohh…
The rivers from your eyes can’t change my mind.

So long this is good-bye.
Maybe we’ll meet again in another life.
Like strangers passing by.
Maybe we’ll see clearly in a different light. “

So Long, Goodbye – 10 Years

I was invited to a NYE party at someone’s place from church…as well as with another group of friends.  I rsvp’d yes to the former, but I’m really rethinking it now.

While I’d love to, I’m thinking it might be better for me to pass on both, and just do like I did last year and go ride at the firehouse.  Last year, my chief and I put the ambulance in service…and it was a fairly tame NYE as we didn’t end up with ANY calls whatsoever.

I’m just not sure I wanna deal with that setting right now after the way I feel today.  And while time may heal these wounds…I don’t think I’ll feel much differently a week from now…

“Staring at an empty cup of understanding
Maybe you could fill it up and tell me why you left
I don’t want to be alone in this ocean
Of people passing by rushing toward the end

And I can see your soft reflection like a ghost in the mirror
And I would do whatever I could for a chance to have you here

And be home again
Now that you’re gone I can see that I was wrong
Back in your arms I feel home again
Now that you’re gone I can see I was wrong
Back in your arms again
Again

Even as the clouds roll by I swear they mock me
Cause every one that fills the sky turns into your face
Maybe it was heaven’s fault they lost an angel
I couldn’t hold on and I let her get away

And I can see you soft reflection like a ghost in the mirror
And I would do whatever it could for a chance to have you here “

Home – Egypt Central

So, while I’m managing to be social again and not be a complete bitch for the most part…the night time is still so hard.

Going to bed and attempting to quiet my mind gets rid of the distractions in place so that I can function during the day.  So, I essentially cry myself to sleep.  Which, I DESPISE crying.  Completely and totally.

I’m trying very hard to be faithful in this…and I’ve not fallen into blaming God at all for any of this.  But through a conversation with a friend from the firehouse (medic I used to ride with a lot) a week ago, I realized I haven’t been glorifying God in any of this.  And well, I don’t know how.  I tried when I found myself trying to go to sleep and upset to listen to some of Jeremy Camp’s stuff.  I recognize and even know a few of the songs on the one album I downloaded on iTunes as songs I know from a previous church.  And even attempted to sing through this…thankfully, no one except my dog could hear me as it was pretty bad.

But other than that, I really have no idea how to glorify God in any of this.  And yet, while I don’t blame Him for this heartbreak…I’m kind of numb and having a hard time staying on the path I was on previously.  I don’t feel like glorifying God in any of this, I don’t feel like opening myself up to more pruning at all right now.   I can’t take anymore pain than what I have now.

As I write this, I keep playing Home by Egypt Central over and over.

I know I wasn’t myself at the “party” that my church threw tonight as a couple of people commented on just how “happy” I looked.  I didn’t know whether it meant I should put the act back on about how freaking happy I am! or to just be real and say what was bothering me.  I think I just shrugged it off as I didn’t want to be Major Buzzkill and ruin their good time.  (That, and honestly, I think if I’d said anything, at that point, I might have started crying…again.  And have I mentioned how much I HATE crying?)

I’ve had a hard time getting into the “Christmas spirit” since coming back to God…I’ve been glad to finally have reason to celebrate once again.  But I just couldn’t place what was making me still so blaise about it.

Unfortunately, it hit me pretty hard today when I got a text from S. wishing me a Merry Christmas while I was at the mall.  The thread of texts messages pretty much had me in tears in the middle of the mall.  This is the first Christmas we’ve been in the same area code ever, and we aren’t spending it together…at all.

So, instead, we both are essentially alone.

(Wrote this the other day, but didn’t publish it for whatever reason…)

Unfortunately, the way things were left between myself and S…leaves me in a predicament of being able to just pick up the phone and ending up right back in the situation I was in a week ago.

The temptation to pick up the phone has been pretty significant.  I’m not sure how many times I’ve picked up my phone and almost sent him a text.  The temptation is strong when I know that I’m the only one setting the boundaries between us…when I’m the one saying “no, we can’t be involved now.”  (He’s been completely respective of the boundaries, something I wasn’t sure how he’d handle)

I can’t call him when I’m having a rough day, I no longer have his shoulder to vent, to cry on, etc.

He was adamant that we at the very least remain friends.  I don’t know if my feelings for him will allow me to be able to honestly be “just friends” with him.  He’s the only guy that I can honestly say I don’t trust myself around him.  Thankfully, I haven’t talked to him since that night…but I see him online through facebook.  It pains me to see some of his statuses and knowing that I’m some of the cause of his unhappiness.

Ugh, this was originally worded soooo poorly due to my lack of sleep…with some really bad grammar on top of it…

I did a 24 hr shift at one of the firestations in my county Saturday…and I remembered something I’d forgotten long ago.  The firehouse is the only place I’m comfortable and really myself there.  (It’d been a while…far too long since I did a 24.)

I’m an entirely different person there…than anywhere else.  And it confuses me as to why.  It’s the only place I truly feel like I can fit in though.  Anywhere else, I feel completely and totally out of place…whether it’s church or even work.  I think some of this may be why I have a hard time letting down my guard.  There’s a tendency amongst law enforcement, firefighters and EMS personnel to only befriend other emergency personnel.  So, I’m guessing I’m not alone in feeling this way.

While I’ve found some common ground with some of the people there, it’s not very deep.  I’m not sure yet if that’s because I just haven’t been around enough, or I don’t let down my walls enough, or if it’s that there just isn’t that much common ground.

I hate that ‘outsider looking in’ feeling though.  Not sure entirely what to make of it.

Or it could just be that I’m still sort of in anti-social mode post break-up…and might be forcing myself to be social more than I should.

“Now everything inside my life’s become a mystery
And all the things that I’ve held dear have lost reality
I cannot go I do not know if you are really here
Just let me know

I need a friend to depend on
I need so much more
Another reason to live my life is knocking on my door

I need to know if I can go
All the way down and back again
I need to know if I can take another leap of faith today

Someone tell me so I can figure it out
Something’s wrong nothing’s right
My life is filled with doubt
Lost the only really thing I’ve ever known
Lost it all and now my hope is gone”

Leap of Faith – Egypt Central