Forever Jaded…

I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t handle the whole church thing.  I now understand what place church can have in my life, and that is…none.

As much as I genuinely like the pastor and his wife, the guys and gals on the worship team and many of the other people at church3, I can’t do it anymore.  I’m about to fall apart at the conflict within.  As much as I would like to remain friends with these people, it can’t cost me what it is costing me currently.

I came home today from church, and just pretty much broke down in tears on my bed. That is extremely unlike me.  And I’m seeing myself feeling things that I’d dealt with 3 years ago.  I won’t deal with them again.  I can’t. I can’t become that broken and angry person again.

“I’m One Step From A Breakdown
Two Steps From Being Safe
Just Try To See This Through
I’m Three Steps From This Nightmare
And Four Steps From The Door
The Rest Is Up To You

Pardon Me While I Just Turn My Back And Walk Away
Pardon Me If I Can’t Listen To The Things You Say
Pardon Me If I Can’t Fake It While You Still Believe

I’m One Step From Forgiveness
And Two Steps From My Grave
We’re All Just Passing Through
Three Steps From Redemption
Four From The Devil’s Door
On A Path That Leads To You

I’m Two Steps From Salvation
But I’m Only Taking One”

Pardon Me by Staind.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading at ExChristianDotNet lately.  I take most of the information on there with a grain of salt as I would any other online forum.  Much of it is ridiculous and just pure hatred, but there is some very thought provoking information and ideas there as well.  To me, much of what is said (that isn’t the hatred coming out) makes sense.

There seems to be a part of me in my heart that believes or at the very least wants to believe.  I’m guessing that it’s just so that those 15 years of my life weren’t for nothing.  So that those I “led” to believe in “God” weren’t misled by me, etc.  It’s a rough place to be in though when my head and my heart are out of sync.

I think I was guilty of believing very blindly previously, and I just can’t do that anymore.  For example, I was rereading Romans 5 recently, and the idea that lept off the pages at me was one I found to be quite ridiculous.  One that I can’t fathom being okay with previously.  The idea that because of ONE MAN..”God” punishes us, and yet by ONE MAN who was INNOCENT, we are to be redeemed?   It goes to really only reinforce my idea of that IF there is a god, he sits up there laughing his ass off at us..and screws with us.  More and more I reread in the bible now with open eyes, the more and more I see a vindictive and manipulative god.  I really am failing to see the loving god that everyone claims “he” is.

I still am going to church3 for now, as I really like these people…and thus far, I still feel very welcome.  I am not part of the church, I just consider myself a visitor.  I have to admit that I am slightly envious of a couple of people there.  Envious of their ability to have faith…a sincere, true and deep faith.

It’s obvious I have walls up around them though, but unfortunately, I don’t know how not to.  I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  But it’s those same walls that keep me from saying something I shouldn’t around them.  They keep me being respectful for the most part.