I must be out of my mind completely and entirely.
I am doing thanksgiving with 12 other adults and 7 kids (that all belong to them) all from church3. Talk about a fairly uncomfortable situation to be in…considering my mouth and the fact that I just don’t do very well around kids…and the fact that I am spending it with people I don’t really know at all on a major holiday.
I’m still very conflicted about this. I feel bad as I was invited Sunday, but didn’t really decide until today. Ironically just after I’d decided, I had 2 other offers for Thanksgiving (mentor at work, and my cousin called me just now who is 3 hrs away…)…after I’d already confirmed I’d be there.
I also know I’m incredibly guarded around these people as well. This is largely done to just keep myself in check, to make sure I’m not about to say something offensive.
One of the biggest reasons I stopped going to church years ago…even before I walked away completely was I found myself enjoying and looking for ways to just shock and horrify the Christians I was going to church with. I got an absolute kick out of just the looks of pure horror, disgust and offense, that I found myself looking for ways to do this just to get a rise out of people. I unfortunately have caught myself a couple of times going down that same path…and I truly don’t want to with these people.
Add to that, that when I’m incredibly stressed out, my internal filter for what I say becomes damned near non-existent. Mostly because I get to a point where I just don’t fucking care. Unfortunately, work, church and the fire department have me at that point. Though, I’ve been admittedly better about this even considering my stress/sleep levels (or lack of sleep due to work).
All of this makes me seriously question what role these people and this church can realistically have in my life.
