How can I believe in a god that was just simply NOT there during the time I needed Him most? How in the hell is it reasonable to keep faith in “God” when it’s been nothing but a let down?
No, I’ve never expected that life would ever be easy irrespective of any religious beliefs. I know better than that. And no, my view of “God” was not the “therapeutic” view that many have today, or the “follow and “He” will reward you and all your problems will go away” view. During that time, I followed because I believed.
But when I trusted and believed and stepped out in faith more than I EVER had previously…when I submitted (ugh. cliche) myself to “God” in ways I had never done before….”He” wasn’t there. Plain and simple. There was no god there seeing me through any of it. I was utterly and completely alone.
I’ve never felt loneliness like that, and I never want to again.
If it was a test of my faithfulness, then I wholly admit I failed. Completely and entirely. And, I don’t fucking care that I failed. Had I known that test was coming, I’d have saved myself the pain and the hurt of that time and just walked away from “God” then while likely telling “Him” to fuck off.
Ironically, this is one of the few “tests” where I’d accept not passing.
