Forever Jaded…

I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t handle the whole church thing.  I now understand what place church can have in my life, and that is…none.

As much as I genuinely like the pastor and his wife, the guys and gals on the worship team and many of the other people at church3, I can’t do it anymore.  I’m about to fall apart at the conflict within.  As much as I would like to remain friends with these people, it can’t cost me what it is costing me currently.

I came home today from church, and just pretty much broke down in tears on my bed. That is extremely unlike me.  And I’m seeing myself feeling things that I’d dealt with 3 years ago.  I won’t deal with them again.  I can’t. I can’t become that broken and angry person again.

“I’m One Step From A Breakdown
Two Steps From Being Safe
Just Try To See This Through
I’m Three Steps From This Nightmare
And Four Steps From The Door
The Rest Is Up To You

Pardon Me While I Just Turn My Back And Walk Away
Pardon Me If I Can’t Listen To The Things You Say
Pardon Me If I Can’t Fake It While You Still Believe

I’m One Step From Forgiveness
And Two Steps From My Grave
We’re All Just Passing Through
Three Steps From Redemption
Four From The Devil’s Door
On A Path That Leads To You

I’m Two Steps From Salvation
But I’m Only Taking One”

Pardon Me by Staind.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading at ExChristianDotNet lately.  I take most of the information on there with a grain of salt as I would any other online forum.  Much of it is ridiculous and just pure hatred, but there is some very thought provoking information and ideas there as well.  To me, much of what is said (that isn’t the hatred coming out) makes sense.

There seems to be a part of me in my heart that believes or at the very least wants to believe.  I’m guessing that it’s just so that those 15 years of my life weren’t for nothing.  So that those I “led” to believe in “God” weren’t misled by me, etc.  It’s a rough place to be in though when my head and my heart are out of sync.

I think I was guilty of believing very blindly previously, and I just can’t do that anymore.  For example, I was rereading Romans 5 recently, and the idea that lept off the pages at me was one I found to be quite ridiculous.  One that I can’t fathom being okay with previously.  The idea that because of ONE MAN..”God” punishes us, and yet by ONE MAN who was INNOCENT, we are to be redeemed?   It goes to really only reinforce my idea of that IF there is a god, he sits up there laughing his ass off at us..and screws with us.  More and more I reread in the bible now with open eyes, the more and more I see a vindictive and manipulative god.  I really am failing to see the loving god that everyone claims “he” is.

I still am going to church3 for now, as I really like these people…and thus far, I still feel very welcome.  I am not part of the church, I just consider myself a visitor.  I have to admit that I am slightly envious of a couple of people there.  Envious of their ability to have faith…a sincere, true and deep faith.

It’s obvious I have walls up around them though, but unfortunately, I don’t know how not to.  I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  But it’s those same walls that keep me from saying something I shouldn’t around them.  They keep me being respectful for the most part.

This is just astounding to me.

Scary that it’s in my front yard essentially.

I love this quote from the guy: “Anything that’s other than a member in harmony has to be identified and expelled“

So, I guess you aren’t allowed to have problems? That or you better hide them pretty damned well!

Even better:

Don’t be afraid of “social services” if you throw rebellious children out of the house, he told the congregation in an earlier sermon, because “you obeyed God.” In an interview, he cited scriptures: “Deuteronomy says if your kid doesn’t follow your God, kill ‘em. That’s what we do, but not physically. To us, you’re dead if you’re not serving our God,” he said

Wow.  That church sounds more like a cult than anything else.  But then again, the definition of what is or isn’t a cult is truly in the eye of the beholder.

Recently, I had a discussion with someone who mentioned the story of Job.  And, well, I had honestly forgotten all about this accounting of someone in the worst possible place short of death.  So, I reread it.  And if that’s supposedly an encouraging story to those who have faith, I don’t see it.  The ONLY thing I see is a game.  A complete fucking mind game.

But seriously, to me that just completely shows how the god of the bible is okay with just completely FUCKING with “his” people.

There was a verse that stuck out to me this time around though. Job 2:10 has Job responding to his wife telling him to curse god.  Job basically says that we should not only receive good from god, but also evil/disaster.   This to me seems to contradict so many teachings I’ve heard regarding the “source” of the bad things in our lives.

I must be out of my mind completely and entirely.

I am doing thanksgiving with 12 other adults and 7 kids (that all belong to them) all from church3.  Talk about a fairly uncomfortable situation to be in…considering my mouth and the fact that I just don’t do very well around kids…and the fact that I am spending it with people I don’t really know at all on a major holiday.

I’m still very conflicted about this.  I feel bad as I was invited Sunday, but didn’t really decide until today.  Ironically just after I’d decided, I had 2 other offers for Thanksgiving (mentor at work, and my cousin called me just now who is 3 hrs away…)…after I’d already confirmed I’d be there.

I also know I’m incredibly guarded around these people as well.  This is largely done to just keep myself in check, to make sure I’m not about to say something offensive.

One of the biggest reasons I stopped going to church years ago…even before I walked away completely was I found myself enjoying and looking for ways to just shock and horrify the Christians I was going to church with.  I got an absolute kick out of just the looks of pure horror, disgust and offense, that I found myself looking for ways to do this just to get a rise out of people.  I unfortunately have caught myself a couple of times going down that same path…and I truly don’t want to with these people.

Add to that, that when I’m incredibly stressed out, my internal filter for what I say becomes damned near non-existent.  Mostly because I get to a point where I just don’t fucking care.  Unfortunately, work, church and the fire department have me at that point.  Though, I’ve been admittedly better about this even considering my stress/sleep levels (or lack of sleep due to work).

All of this makes me seriously question what role these people and this church can realistically have in my life.

How can I believe in a god that was just simply NOT there during the time I needed Him most? How in the hell is it reasonable to keep faith in “God” when it’s been nothing but a let down?

No, I’ve never expected that life would ever be easy irrespective of any religious beliefs.  I know better than that.  And no, my view of “God” was not the “therapeutic” view that many have today, or the “follow and “He” will reward you and all your problems will go away” view.  During that time, I followed because I believed.

But when I trusted and believed and stepped out in faith more than I EVER had previously…when I submitted (ugh. cliche) myself to “God” in ways I had never done before….”He” wasn’t there.  Plain and simple.  There was no god there seeing me through any of it.  I was utterly and completely alone.

I’ve never felt loneliness like that, and I never want to again.

If it was a test of my faithfulness, then I wholly admit I failed.  Completely and entirely.  And, I don’t fucking care that I failed.  Had I known that test was coming, I’d have saved myself the pain and the hurt of that time and just walked away from “God” then while likely telling “Him” to fuck off.

Ironically, this is one of the few “tests” where I’d accept not passing.

So, I just caught up with JH a bit through facebook…and I’m very touched by the conversation, and shocked.

My status when talking to him through it was something about massive amounts of alcohol being required.  He asked me about that and asked if I was still a Christian outright.  It was actually quite difficult to even begin to try to explain that I was not, and further why I was not.

His reaction has me feeling like I’ve somehow let down a friend honestly.  Although, it somewhat sounds like he held me somewhat of a pedestal.  He told me that often when he is talking to someone he would ask himself “what would Erica have said in this situation…”

Apparently though, it changed his life entirely.

Even though I’m not a Christian anymore, it does not change that I am incredibly proud of the man he’s become since that time.

Facebook has allowed me to catch up with many old/long lost friends.  Friends where our lives changed and our circles/patterns just didn’t really include each other anymore.

JH though was someone I with whom I went to high school…and for the first couple of years after high school, his mom was our neighbor.  JH and I would sit outside and talk forever it seemed.  We’d joke about him having cheated off me in high school spanish class…

At that time I was very a very outspoken Christian.  During one of our midnight talks shortly after high school, he told me he had gotten his high school girlfriend pregnant.  She wanted an abortion, but he wanted the baby.  We talked more and more about it…and I of course went to religion.  We prayed and talked several nights about this as he really wanted the kid.  Being a Christian then, I of course used this time to talk to him about “accepting” Christ.  After a couple of weeks, news came that she was not going to have an abortion.  He was so overcome by that…that he did pray with me to become a Christian.

I’ve often wondered how sincere that moment (and others like them) were.  I’ve often wondered was *I* sincere in what I was preaching? Was *I* preying upon people in a weak moment? In crisis?

I…might have an answer for that moment.  JH found me on facebook, and I see pictures of him on a missions trip in Mexico…even giving his testimony.  I feel horrible as one of my first thoughts is wondering if it involves that time at all.

I really hate the holidays.  Mostly because I have no family here, but not entirely.

I realized recently that Northern VA has finally become “home” to me.  I have now lived here longer than I lived in NY.

If I want to spend the holidays with my family, I have to travel 350 miles.  Also, *I* am the one that does the travelling.  If I don’t travel, I spend it alone.  However, when I do make the trip, I have begun to miss being home in Virginia.  There is something nice about spending the holidays at “home” though.

So, Thanksgiving will be…alone. Well, I do have my dog, but she doesn’t make for a good “dinner” companion really.  I have some friends where I could crash their Thanksgiving plans, but…they are doing big things with their families, and being the non-family member a huge family thing is…just as depressing as Thanksgiving alone.