October 31, 2008 at 6:53 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: anonymity, church3, faith, jaded
One thing…I have to give church #3 credit for….and it’s not something I’d have been able to handle well at all a year ago.
They are very welcoming, and it’s extremely difficult to fade into the “crowd” within this church…while much of that is attributed to the size, the people also factor into this tremendously. They are very inclusive, very quickly…and in a very accepting/non-judgmental way. It was actually a bit overwhelming at first.
A year ago though, there is no way in hell I’d have returned to this church again.
One thing that struck me kind of oddly though…is that they asked me to help out with something without having a clue where I might be… Of course I said no. No for many many reasons. First and foremost, it’d be completely hypocritical IMO. Second, I don’t want to. I could, and I could use it to “hide” where I was at spiritually very easily. I’ve done it other places…intentionally as well as unintentionally. I regret that the leaders of some of those places have no clue that I did that though. Granted, other times I’ve done it blatantly.
Heh, looking back on those 15 years of Christianity…I realize that it was always a struggle for me to hold on to my faith. I believed. I truly believed. Guess it wasn’t rooted very well though and just took 15 years for the root to be ripped out completely.
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October 31, 2008 at 12:21 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: church3, free will, hypocrisy, instinct, jaded
Again…went to the small group the last night. It was not quite as interesting of a discussion as last week. I’m not sure if it’s just because I truly did not agree with the statements within Romans 2, or if it was just that set of people. To be honest, there was one person there that sets off the “spidey” senses within me, I’m thinking it’s just his mental issues that make me question his stability…so, it’s extremely difficult for me to be comfortable around this person. He seems like a nice person, so I truly wish I could put that in check as I don’t think what triggers those alarms is anything other mental “issues” going on with him. But it’s hard to put muscle memory, instinct and intuition aside for me. This is someone that I do unknowingly go into a more defensive stance when talking to him. I don’t even realize half the time when I do this. And yet, I respect the host that much more because I do see how accepting he is of this other person. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe I was obvious in any of my reactions…at least, I hope not. I’m thinking that is why I may have been more quiet than usual. That is probably the only obvious reaction that could be noticed.
I found also that a portion of me from a year ago is still there. That part that sees a weak or new Christian and goes “OOH! I could have fun!” I felt that part rise as this aforementioned man was talking about his new faith. I actually had that thought of “Ya know, I could totally tear him apart right now.” But, I have to give him credit that while new, he is attempting to understand WHY he believes what he believes. Though, I did that myself 18 years ago now and look where it got me? Nowhere good.
Anyway…as for the rest, there was a discussion regarding free will vs enslaved to sin. One that at first, I didn’t quite agree with. Through further email discussion, I understand more of where the other person was coming from…not sure I agree with him on it, but at least I can understand where he is pulling this point from 
I still have a hard time and am extremely careful in what I say. I will not allow myself to be a hypocrite and knowingly misrepresent myself as someone who is a Christian.
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October 24, 2008 at 12:20 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: church3, deism, genuine, hypocrisy
Went back to the small group meeting the other night…the first night that we discuss Romans…Romans 1. It was a fairly small group. But it actually was an interesting discussion…and surprisingly enjoyable conversation. I find myself having a hard time though in that I know the “sunday school” answers and explanations that normally would be provided…and I want to be careful to not misrepresent myself as something I am NOT. I’ve actually shocked myself with my knowledge of the bible. It’s…a bit deeper than I realized. Though, it was something I held to be true for 15 years of my life, so maybe it shouldn’t be surprising.
I also found myself waxing more philosophical than I expected. I actually brought up the whole concept of “analytic a priori” and “synthetic a priori”….I forget how, but how many times can you find a way to TOPICALLY whip that out? Yeah, okay, it was kind of cool…and geeky. We also actually discussed how many of our forefathers in today’s society would likely be atheists, but back then it wasn’t culturally okay to be an atheist…so many were deists. And how Jefferson made up his own bible…by just eliminating the portions covering Jesus. I am anything BUT philosophical and am instead ruled by logic, facts and reason.
I am thinking I likely will go back next week. I have to admit that the hosts (the pastor and his wife) are fantastic. There’s something about them that just seems to make them different from most other Christians I’ve known. They strike me as having a genuineness in what they believe that’s incredibly refreshing…as well as a humility and modesty that isn’t often seen. They also seem to be truly accepting and caring for those around them. It’s not often that people gain my respect this quickly, but having observed them, they definitely have gained mine.
There were 2 others tonight…one I’d met previously who also seems like a decent guy, the other I’d just met. He seemed like a nice guy, though I think he was jumping into that trap of assuming that everyone there was a Christian. I don’t fault him for that though, especially since meeting me for the first time.
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October 15, 2008 at 4:22 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: church3, hypocrisy, jaded
I actually went to the first meeting of a small group last night. It was the pastor of church #3, his wife, and 2 other people. So, definitely fits the criterion of “small”. It was very informal, last night was just mostly socializing…and then a bit of planning what it will be like for the next one.
They plan on studying Romans. The idea is to read a chapter, write down a few thoughts and/or questions from it..and then the group will share. Uhhh….yeah, how do you participate in the study of a book that you aren’t sure you believe is…true? While I could potentially use that forum to challenge the validity of the Bible, I am actually not comfortable doing so…as I feel a bit outnumbered there. I also could easily fall into the trap of giving the “Sunday School” answers to many of the questions. Although I’m a bit intrigued, I’m also concerned about falling into that hypocrisy.
Gone are the days of being willing to accept something as “Truth” just purely on blind faith.
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October 13, 2008 at 8:38 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: cynical, zeitgeist
In trying to find more info on “Horus”, I came across the movie, “Zeitgeist” I proceeded to watch this…well, the first part only. There was WAY too much conspiracy theory bullshit in it parts II and III that I can not take ANY portion of this movie seriously. Actually, there were so many places where I’d have had to check my brain to believe any of it.
Part I deals with Christianity, and talks mostly about Horus, but also other supposed mythological beings that predate Jesus’ existence by hundreds/thousands of years….and have parallels to Jesus’ life (virgin birth, son of god, resurrection, etc). It was interesting…but doesn’t cite its sources for really anything. It claims that Jesus was just as mythological in its existence as Horus/Mithra/etc…but doesn’t back it up at all.
Part II…dealt with 9/11 as some great conspiracy. What they tried to say in this portion took away any credibility they could have possibly had with me throughout Part I.
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October 10, 2008 at 8:06 pm (Uncategorized)
I saw Bill Maher’s “mockumentary” last night called “Religulous”…It was amusing, and rather thought provoking.
I have to admit, I did laugh…a lot during it. And much of it epitomizes exactly what I loathe about religion. However, with that said, I am certain it was HEAVILY edited to purvey Maher’s own biases about religion. It did make a few interesting points, and I did walk away with a few things that I want to look into further. Most noteworthy among those points were the similarities he claims between the stories of the Egyption “god” Horus, and Jesus. Apparently, there are a considerable number of parallels between the stories of each; however, the timeline behind Horus presents 2000-3000 years prior to the life of Jesus. Parallels that were, uncanny, and almost make you wonder if any were borrowed.
One thing I heavily disagreed with though, is Maher’s “rant” at the end of the mockumentary..He spends the last 10 minutes or so talking about how religion has hurt this world, and basically tries to insinuate there’d be no war if there were no religion. While I am sure that there likely would have been some conflicts/wars that would be true of, I don’t think that’s an accurate statement at all. After all, mankind is NOT perfect. Just because you take religion out of the equation does not mean we’d reach this state of zen like utopia where all would be enlightened to the same views as Maher and war would not exist!
I know an incredible number of people who are extremely intelligent who have very sincere and deep faith. A faith that they can defend, and a faith that I can respect. This doesn’t really match up with Maher’s take at the end of the movie.
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October 10, 2008 at 5:12 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: ESTJ, jaded
So, I have at least figured out why this “journey” has been so difficult for me. It all has to do with my ESTJ-ness. I am VERY ESTJ, I fit the profile almost exactly. That said…I think these are the reasons this is such a struggle for me:
1 – I am almost entirely ruled by logic. There is very little emotional aspect involved with decisions I make. If it seems like I am involving emotions, I step outside of it…I try to distance myself from that to try to make the right decision.
2 – The belief system of the ESTJ is usually unshakeable. And this is at the core of the ESTJ. When logic and reason lead us to change this (which is extremely hard to do)…or otherwise lead us away from that core, the potential for our world to be turned upside down is great.
3 – ESTJs value tradition – Why I’ve continued to go to church even though I “resolve” not to do so…tradition. It’s just what I’ve done for so long that to not do so is incredibly bizarre to me.
4 – ESTJs have a hard time seeing gray – Things are usually pretty black and white for the ESTJ…and currently my life seems like it’s in a big gray area.
5 – Control – ESTJs being natural born leaders…control is often a big thing…and feeling out of control of anything as an ESTJ is, to put it simply, difficult.
I’m sure there are more…but this what pops into my head about this. I have no clue what this means to me going forward in figuring this out. But it does give me a bit of ease since I now understand a bit.
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October 5, 2008 at 12:12 pm (Uncategorized)
GAH! I HATE this flip flopping I seem to keep doing…
I had completely decided several times now that I’m done with church, etc…and yet, come Sunday morning…about an hour after I wake up…I find myself sitting in some church service wondering WTF I am doing there?!
Damn it. The sooner I stop fucking GOING to a church, the sooner I can get back to that peace and contentment I had a year ago.
I feel so entirely wrecked, broken, and fucked up mentally. The acronym of FINE is completely applicable to me now. FINE meaning Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. I _HATE_ this state of mind I’m in. I feel completely out of control of my life and I just don’t know how to get control back. If this was a psychological problem, I’d seek counseling, but it’s hard to find good “spiritual” counseling…too many biases.
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October 3, 2008 at 8:46 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: church, cynic, jaded
So, I realized my “Forgiving God” post may have sounded a bit harsher than I’d intended towards Church #4. Let me clarify a bit. They are a growing church, and a church that I think is actually doing things mostly right (no church is ever going to do everything right). I just don’t think that it can meet my needs now. Although, I don’t really know what those needs are to expect a church to meet them.
I’m still the same cynical/jaded skeptic. What church is even prepared to handle someone in that place? #4 came closer than any other church I’ve seen.
I’m in a much better place with all of this now. I’ve just finally managed to distance myself and put the protective walls back up without the previous side effect of basically “hating all christians”.
I still don’t know entirely what I believe, but think I fall somewhere in the agnostic/deist area with what I believe. Post modern thought for me is completely out…just by _one_ fleeting comment I made to my boss about something we disagreed upon: “The truth is still truth. Regardless of what you believe, it doesn’t change.”
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