Small World…

September 30, 2008 at 1:19 am (Uncategorized)
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Last Sunday, I checked out a very small and apparently relatively new church in a neighboring town.  Somehow, I let myself be dragged out to their “newcomers lunch.”  Just a lunch they do once a month for new people…paid for by the church, and just a way for the pastor to introduce himself.   It started out to be very nice, but then ended up taking an interesting turn.

Shortly after I left the church in November of 2005…I had occasional fleeting moments that made me consider finding a new church. However, such bitterness had set in, that I ended up emailing pastors of 4 different churches asking basically the same question of them all:  “What makes your church different from the other churches that eat their own?”  Churches #1 and #2 provided the typical “Sunday School” answer regarding how we are all imperfect and make mistakes and blah blah blah.  They did at least seem to phrase them a bit differently, so I know that they were thinking on their own!  Churches #3 and #4 gave me open, honest, and REAL answers.

Church #4 is the church mentioned in the previous post.

Anyway, back to the twist…

Well, this past Sunday, I unknowingly tried Church #3.  The church since I emailed in 2006 has since changed location as well as changing name…as well as the previous pastor has gone on to another church recently.  At the newcomers lunch, the current pastor was going over the history of the church, and how long he’s been there, etc.  He mentioned what/where they used to be, and I went wait…what was the name of that previous lead pastor? And sure enough, it was the guy with whom I’d corresponded approx. 2 years ago from Church #3.  Unfortunately, I was putting together the dots somewhat verbally, and said “oh, yeah, okay. weird, I’d emailed him previously to ask him some questions about his church…”  Someone else piped up “Oh, are you the one that emailed somethign about churches who eat their own?”  “Uhhh…..yeah….”

That…can make for a very uncomfortable lunch.   I tried to explain that he had managed to answer my questions previously satisfactorily…but one person (not the pastor) felt the need to try to provide the “Sunday School” answer about the church and imperfection. blah blah blah.  As I sat there honestly panicking a bit about how much of that email thread had been exposed to others….and how much these people may know about me….they seemed to also be a bit defensive as if I’d JUST asked them that question right then.  I found this incredibly uncomfortable, and I could not wait for the end of the lunch.  I’m not sure I heard much more of the conversation at the table the remainder of lunch.

To top if off, the other newcomer was parked near me…so she walked out with me…talking my ear off.  Also, she was like “So, when’d you become a Christian?!”   “Umm, I don’t know.”  “oh.”  And then she continued with annoying questions….

I don’t think I was ever so glad to reach my vehicle.

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Forgiving God?

September 17, 2008 at 12:33 am (Uncategorized)
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I’ve still been largely staying in my head whilst trying to ponder and figure out my beliefs.

There is a very large part of me that might believe, but I am not in a place where I am willing to trust God again.  In essence, I have not forgiven God for those years of hell,  I don’t know how.  (If you want to comment at how wrong the idea that I should have to forgive God, that’s fine, but…you can pretty much stuff it, k?)  I feel like I am at an impasse with belief.  During the time that I most trusted God, had given more of myself to Him than I ever had….I was completely heartbroken.  A dream shattered, and shattered in such a devastating way.

I continued to attend the previous mentioned church, and there was a Sunday where I realized that if I do believe, I haven’t forgiven God.  I blame God entirely for my hell…and I don’t know how to get beyond that.  The sermon was a very passionate and hard hitting message on forgiveness.   At the end, I actually sat in my vehicle broken.  Broken at the realizations, broken at not knowing how to get beyond that.  One of the 2 people I know there came over and prayed for me as he’d seen me when he was walking out to his own vehicle.

Unfortunately, I think my time there is done, and there is nothing more I can gain from going there.  I emailed the pastor essentially asking for help in trying to figure out the above, but never heard back.  But his church is growing at a rate that he likely doesn’t have much extra time for that.

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9/11 and me…

September 14, 2008 at 9:42 pm (Uncategorized)
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So, 9/11 came and went…and for many, it came and went without notice sadly.

It’s a day I in some ways wish I could forget, but then realize how I can NEVER forget.   I believe every anniversary, I’ve made sure to not work or at least to not be at the office.  It’s a day I pretty much become incredibly anti-social.  Yes, I’m slightly PTSD from that day.  To be honest, I don’t understand why.  It did not impact me in a tangible/material way.  I did not personally know anyone that perished or gave the ultimate sacrifice.

It was a day that changed me though.  It was a day that made me realize quite a lot about myself…what I’m willing to do, and what I’m not willing to do.  I realized that day as I stood around completely helpless without any way to provide any help…that I could not EVER be in that position again.  Since then, I’ve become an EMT…first a basic, now an Intermediate (mini-medic).  And since then, I’ve made sure to give back to my community by volunteering with the fire department.  Every year, I mourn the loss of the 343 firefighters, the 47 police officers…the people who RAN into the doomed buildings without regard for their own lives.  In hopes of saving another.

There is one bible verse that I understand completely and entirely with every fiber of my being:  No greater love has a man than this, that he should lay down his life for another.

That night, my friends and I went into the city as they felt the same way I did…that we just could NOT stand around doing NOTHING.  That that was completely and utterly unacceptable to us.   We had no idea how far into NYC we would get as we hopped onto the LIRR train headed to Penn Station.  We didn’t even know if we’d be allowed to leave Penn Station…or how far south we’d be able to travel.  It was a scene and a view of NYC that none of us had ever seen in the city that never sleeps.  We got to a very quiet Penn Station around 9pm….with…armed military personnel patrolling with NYPD.  That alone was a new sight for us.  Once we stepped out onto the streets above ground…the quietness was so disturbingly pervasive.  It was a pervasive quietness that doesn’t even occur at 3am.  I think it may be the only time I’ve ever been in Manhattan and didn’t hear the sound of cabs, buses, other cars…honking, etc.  It was horror movie quiet…only there really was a horror movie playing out in the south end.  We walked in shock…and in awe of this….it was so surreal.  I remember the point for me when it went from being surreal, to disastrously real in my mind.  As we walked…about the only vehicles we saw on the streets were cop cars…headed south.  We started to cross a street, and stopped as a vehicle approach.  The next image is what brought a new reality to my mind.  The vehicle was that of a heavy duty tow truck, the kind that can tow semis, buses…or fire engines.   As it passed us, we observed the fire engine that it was towing.  It was covered in a layer of dust that seemed to be in every crevice of the vehicle.  It also had one windshield blown out, and another cracked.  There were also small dents in various portions of the cab area.   The quiet talking amongst us suddenly stopped as we stared at this sight.  We all stopped walking, talking, anything, and just froze in our tracks.

After the tow truck passed, we continued heading south, but it was quite a few moments before anyone spoke.   We got quite a bit further south (though I don’t remember where we were), and saw quite a bit of the layer of filth/dust/crap that took over the area.  At various points, we inquired with cops we’d see about if there was anywhere we could volunteer…that we were willing to do anything to help.  A few tried to guide us to places they thought needed some hands, but every lead turned up nothing for us.  Around midnight, we encountered some of NYPD’s finest.  One officer was making sure we were okay, and see if we needed anything.  During our conversation with him…about the day’s events, he actually had tears in his eyes talking about the brothers he’d lost.  I know that man is forever changed…as a guy who has had to make life or death decisions previously…to be at that point, wow.  He nor I will ever be the same.

Another moment of that day that I can never forget…is hearing my dad’s voice when I finally got through to tell my parents that I was okay.  I’d started trying to call them very early after the incident; of course, I was unable to get through for a while.  It was sometime in the afternoon before I finally got through.    I first got through to my mom who then of course started crying.  I actually didn’t.  My mom asked me to immediately call my dad as he’d left work to try to get home to his computer to at least try to email me.  I called…and he was still on the road, and I’d heard something I don’t think I’d really ever heard.  He basically broke down crying talking about how he knew I sometimes went into NYC for work, for training, etc. and he didn’t know if I happened to be in NYC that day.  Hearing my dad breakdown…well, that was so powerful, that I immediately brokedown as well.

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