I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been staying in my head instead of writing things out.
I felt so overwhelmed by the reality that I didn’t actually know what I believed. I am not the type of person to handle that type of uncertainty very well. But thankfully, I’m in a much better place about all of it.
I am open to God. But, I am not at a point where I can trust Him like I did before. Some of it is my stubbornness but most of it is my unwillingness to open myself up in the same manner. I’ve at least had some honest “conversation” with God about this.
So, what happened to get me to this point at least? Well, I scheduled to try to finish testing for my medic certification…a task that had proven much more difficult and taken a lot longer than originally intended. A few days before the test, I tried to find the letter I’d received more than a year ago that authorized me to test but could not find it. I called the National Registry of EMTs as well as the Office of EMS to only be told by the latter that my eligibility had expired just 2 months prior.
Admittedly, I was absolutely crushed by this. That all of the work I’d put in for this was for naught. That all of the help I’d received from friends who believed in me…was for nothing. A waste of time, a lot of time. I tried calling and talking to a few more people without any luck. I called my friend Adam whom had spent countless hours mentoring and precepting me during my rotations. Adam is a Christian and someone whom has been praying for me since I basically left the church. Obviously, he started praying. I laid on the couch crying, after having given up at 2pm with the final call telling me “no”. Unexpectedly, the Office of EMS calls back to tell me they are granting me a new letter. That they’d rechecked some things and while they still didn’t think I was eligible, they believed my original letter did say June and not April. They provided a letter just so I could go test, without knowing whether NREMT would accept it or not. That was good enough for me.
That night involved a very candid conversation of me asking God to help me pass. But this was not done in the “help me pass and I promise to follow”, as I refuse to bargain like that. It was more in a “God, please help me through this because I can’t take anymore hurt or disappointment. God, I’m more open than I’ve been to You than I have been in a long time but I’m just not there yet. ” type of context. I was heading into the test thinking I had one shot to pass, and even then had no idea if NREMT would accept it.
Unfortunately, all of the above wore massively on my nerves for test day. I also had to leave for the test site at 5am, and had stayed up studying until at least midnight. I had spent much of my time that last week dealing with the prior situation when I’d planned on studying as well.
Well, I passed. And NREMT accepted it. I’m officially a medic, and some of my faith in prayer has been restored.
