So, some of the questions I’ve been asked by the pastor of the church I’ve been attending, have raised some question in my mind about what I actually believe…
I’ve been questioning whether I believed in the god of the bible, a more deist type of god, or just more of an agnostic point of view about the idea of “god” (yes, there is a distinct difference between agnosticism and deism). I can honestly say that I in no way could be an atheist. To simply put it: I do not have the faith that is required for atheism.
This questioning has my world basically upside down. I am not one to do well with not knowing what she believes, nor more importantly, WHY. My response to this is to read.
I bought several books, from several different points of view. It’s really the only fair way to try to objectively and reasonably form a view. In my mind, Christ and the bible are on trial in a sense. A trial for…truth in a sense. However, I have a hard time getting past supposed evidence and testimony which I believe would be considered circumstantial. For example, 2 out of4 of the gospels were written by people who really didn’t witness Jesus’ life. Mark was written by a close friend of Peter’s; Luke by a close companion of Paul’s. Luke also sourced Mark’s gospel and something they call the Quelle (or so the theory goes). The Quelle …is a lost collection of the teaching of Jesus. Matthew, however, was a disciple of Christ, but sourced Mark and the Quelle as well prior to writing his gospel. Why? John, on the other hand, does not quite seem to have these issues. But, in my mind, that makes 3 out of 4 of the gospels circumstantial at best.
I really wish I could apply the scientific method to this, however, I am not sure how it could be “tested”. I have a very scientific mind, so, belief and faith are difficult at best. Admittedly, I do feel in some ways I am being called to believe once again; nonetheless, (even ignoring the issue with the “testimonies” above) I just plain don’t WANT to. I do not want to be a Christian. I do not want to follow god. I want nothing to do with that particular god.
